My name is Denise and I have two beautiful daughters. They grew up with an alcoholic/cross-addicted father. However, he was very passive and hidden until his disease became unmanageable. He also was a diabetic. My daughters were used to going to the hospital for visits. As both diseases progressed he became worse and worse and Rehabs started to enter our lives. Amanda, my younger daughter, was six years younger than her older sister. She never had those special “Daddy and Me” times; he was too ill. She was devastated when she could not go to the Father Daughter Dance and would not hear of me or anyone else taking her. She just cried her way through the evening.
I took my girls to Ala-teen, and Ala-Preteen and Amanda even became a speaker. Tim, my husband, got sent to Florida rehab for 6 months. We were relieved and were at peace. He did get sober and finally came home but his health had deteriorated. He needed a kidney transplant; his vision was going and he was angry. Life had not changed very much. Jeanna was driving and Amanda was just about 12. Tim was miserable for about a year in a hospitable bed in the den. Fast forward when Amanda came home from school one day, she was all alone, and found him ready to die. She called 911, started life support and called me at work. I rushed home to find her doing CPR. I knew he had already passed. But I put my arm around her saying, Daddy is gone Amanda. But, I am right here with you and if you feel you need to stay with him then you do that. And, she did. Tim was 45 years old and she was 13.
She, needless to say, never really recovered from that trauma. But she graduated from High School, went to Community College and worked 2 jobs. She was so sweet and caring. She had a depth about her that she knew how you were feeling. She wanted to be in the health field. Then, it happened. A tragic car accident left her in the ICU unit for more than 3 weeks. Well, no need to say more than that. It was the beginning of the end. She fell behind in her studies so she became a dental assistant. Everyone loved her. Beautiful, but between standing on her feet, leaning over in the chair, and whatever else she had to do, she was in constant pain. Doctors just wrote prescriptions like water. And like her father she hid her dependence until she no longer could. Then her Rehabs, trouble with the law and her battles started.
She was clean and sober for months prior to her leaving this earth. But the struggle is REAL. And our legal system does not help and would not let her leave New York while on probation. To watch your baby hurting and not be able to do anything is heartbreaking. And on July 22, 2015, after having a huge fight with her fiancé she went to 7-11 to get something. She came home, took it, showered and passed out on her bedroom floor. I knew it was the end. I whispered in her ear, “ Amanda, if you cannot fight this anymore I love you enough to let you go.” By the time EMS got het to the hospital and we arrived, she had passed away.
It is DEVASTATING, the WORST thing a parent will ever go through. Your heart never stops hurting, but in time it does get softer, but never better. I try to find my blessings like her sobriety and the fact that I was Blessed to have been her mother. I had her for 28 years. But her life had not been easy for her either and for that I pray she has found peace. Amanda, I love you Today, Tomorrow, and Forever. Until we are together again. Your loving mother……….